On The Outside (Looking In) - Part
Two
I was a little early to school the next day, and
watched for Drew to come off the bus. As soon as I saw his head bobbing along
with the rest of the students, I hurried up to catch him.
"Hey,
Drew!"
He turned, looking to see who had called out his name, almost as
if he didn’t expect that anyone would ever do such a thing. He had this aura
around him like he was alone. I waved towards him, and as soon as he saw me,
that cute smile lit up his face again.
"Ethan! Hey!"
I caught up
to him and we walked into the school together, talking about this and that. The
early bell rang and everyone began to go to their classes. Drew was about to
leave when I grabbed his arm. "Hey, wait a moment. What are you doing for lunch
today?"
"Well, I was thinking of probably eating," he replied, a
mischievous grin playing across his lips. God, how I wanted to taste them, just
once. Control, Ethan!
"No shit, Sherlock. I meant, where? I don’t think I
saw you in the cafeteria yesterday." I answered.
"Yeah, probably ‘cause I
wasn’t there. I don’t usually eat here." He seemed like he wanted to get away
before I could say anything else. Glancing at his watch, he said, "It’s getting
late, I’d better go to class." Before I could stop him, he took off. Great. What
the hell was this all about?
Classes came and went until it was again time for biology. I sat down in the
same spot as yesterday. Drew wasn’t here yet. The bell rang and still no sign of
him. Great, I didn’t scare him away somehow, did I? Did he somehow figure out
that I’m gay, and now he’s avoiding me? What’s going on?
My worries were
short-lived however, as Drew showed up in a few minutes. The teacher made some
little joke that got everyone laughing, including Drew, and he sat down next to
me.
After a few minutes, I whispered over to him. "The lunch offer still
stands. I would be honored if you’d join me for lunch today."
"Sorry,
Ethan, but I almost never eat lunch here. I...don’t like the crowds." He
answered.
"Well where DO you eat? Can I join you, then?" I had to find
some way to get closer to this boy. Fuck my rules, I can at least hang out with
him. There’s no harm in looking.
"I..." he paused to consider his next
words. "I guess that would be cool. I always eat at this little park a little
ways from school. It’s a private park so there’s almost never anybody there. It
would be just you and me."
I was both excited and terrified at this
possibility. Alone...with Drew? I couldn’t afford to take this risk and I
couldn’t afford to miss this opportunity. In the end, I gave in. "That sounds
awesome, dude. When & where?"
"Just meet me by the back gate, and
I’ll lead you."
We continued to talk throughout class, narrowly avoiding
getting in trouble. Every time I made a joke, his face would just light up, and
his quiet laugh was the cutest sound I’d ever heard. Finally the bell rang and
we separated to go to our next classes. I could barely wait for lunch; the next
hour seemed to take an eternity.
Finally the bell rang and we headed out.
I ran out to the back gate; Drew wasn’t there yet. Doubt crept into my mind;
what if this was a trick, to catch the fag boy and beat the living crap out of
him. I was just about to get up and leave when I heard Drew
shouting.
"Ethan! Sorry to take so long," he said as he skidded to a halt
in front of me. "Our teacher ran a bit late. Becker is such a bitch. Anyways
let’s go." He swung open the gate and held it open for me, then hurried to catch
up and walk beside me.
We arrived at the park and it was completely empty
except for two teenage boys. Us, to be exact. "Whoa, this place really is
deserted." I commented.
"Yeah. I really like it that way. I can come out
here to be alone and to think. I don’t really like large groups of people." He
motioned to a tree and we sat down in the shade.
We ate in silence for a
short while before it was broken. "Sorry to not be a good host, but I don’t know
what to say. I always come out here alone. You’re the first person to share it
with me."
"I feel honored, Drew." He gave me a questioning look. "No,
seriously. That means a lot to me."
He giggled. "Wow, um, that’s...cool."
He seemed a little nervous and I asked him about it. "Ok, truthfully you DO make
me nervous. I mean, you’re one of the cool kids, cool kids don’t like
me."
"I’m one of the cool kids? Since when? Nobody bothered to tell me
this!"
"Whatever, you always have a ton of friends."
"I’ve got
like, maybe five in the whole world."
"Well, I don’t have any. So maybe
five is a lot to me, OK?" He was quite upset, I could hear it in his
voice.
"Correction, Drew. You have me." There. Yeah, I was his friend.
That’s it. Just a friend. Just a friend who happens to think he’s the cutest boy
he’s ever seen. Damnit, Ethan, you’ve got to stop this! One of these days you’re
going to let something slip and then everyone will know!
He smiled at
that last sentence. "Thanks. You have no idea what that means to me." He stood
up. "It’s getting close to the end of lunchtime, man. We’d better start heading
back."
I kept sitting right where I was. I really didn’t want to go back
to school, plus I had a really great view of his cute little butt from where I
was sitting! Wait a minute, Ethan, your rules...oh fuck it, I’ll look if I want
to!
"C’mon, Ethan, let’s go!"
"I’m not going
anywhere."
"Dude, we’re going to be late!"
"So what if we are? It
isn’t going to kill us. I like this place, and I..." Was I really going to say
this? "I like talking with you. You’re...you’re really a cool guy."
He
blushed again. Damn, he was cute when he did that. Hell, he was cute all the
time! I felt myself start to swell, and instantly broke that line of thought.
Damnit Ethan, you can look but this is what’s going to happen! We’ve got to be
more careful!
"Umm, ok, I guess we can do that." He sat back down next to
me, almost close enough to touch. God, how I wanted him to close that last inch,
and God how I wanted him to put more between us.
Drew was beginning to
represent a mix of feelings for me. I wanted so badly to touch him, to kiss him,
to hold him, but I knew in my heart it could never be. In the least, he’d be
uncomfortable around me and wouldn’t hang out anymore, and at worst he’d tell
the whole school and my life would be over.
Despite my foreboding
feelings, we continued to talk about everything. What our lives away from school
were like; his parents had split up a few years ago, and he had taken it really
badly. His father had always been really close to him but lately he had become
quite distant; he still had a great relationship with his mother but he wasn’t
able to see her very often as she now lived on the other side of
town.
Eventually, our conversation topics ran dry, and we just sat there,
enjoying the world around us. You know, nobody ever realizes this anymore but
the world is really a beautiful place. The sky was the perfect shade of blue;
the clouds were light and airy, creating an assortment of fantastic shapes,
constantly changing and reforming. The grass was the greatest shade of green;
the trees around us stood magnificent and proud, some of their branches swaying
lightly in the breeze that drifted by. Chipmunks were chattering off in the
distance and the warbling call of some bird in a nearby tree was answered by
another a little ways away. It was just an awesome sight, and I had no better
company to share it with than Drew. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew in my
heart-of-hearts that I was falling in love with this boy. That realization
filled me with ecstasy beyond belief and terror beyond imagination. How much
longer could I resist it before I did something that gave me away?
Why
did this have to be so wrong? Who made up this rule that said "Gay people are
bad."? Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t I fall in love with some
girl and get married and have beautiful children and a house with a white picket
fence? Why can’t I be happy? No, I have to fall in love with a boy, with Drew, a
love that could never be returned. Great, I said it again. Love. How can
something that feels this good be so bad?
Looking over at Drew, our eyes
met. I stared into those beautiful brown eyes. It was like I fell into them;
they seemed to go straight to his soul, revealing his innermost thoughts and
emotions. I couldn’t help myself; this boy was just too cute for his own good. I
sighed to myself. We were still talking about this and that, nothing too
important really. Continuing to lose myself in his eyes, something inside me
seemed to snap. Why the hell SHOULDN’T I be happy? Who the hell gave people the
right to say who I can and cannot love? If I love another boy, that’s how it is.
I didn’t choose it but that’s the way the dice fell. People are going to have an
issue with it, then fuck ‘em. They aren’t worth my trouble.
I’m still not
going to "come out" or whatever. I don’t think I could take the torment of all
of my so-called ‘friends’ at school. But I’m not going to put MYSELF down, too.
I suddenly felt so stupid for thinking of myself like that. Like I was a bad
person, just because of whom I loved. I mean hell, there’s enough hate in the
world; more love can’t be a bad thing.
"Dude, what’s the matter?" Drew
asked, snapping me from my reverie.
"Huh? What?" I suddenly realized that
I had stopped talking.
"You haven’t said anything for like the past five
minutes. You’ve just been starting off into nothing!" Drew giggled. Ok I don’t
mind admitting it anymore, that giggle drove me crazy!
"Sorry, I guess I
was just thinking about something," I tried to cover it up. Still gotta be
careful not to give myself away; I don’t want to lose Drew as a friend, even if
I can’t have him otherwise.
"Ok, whatever," Drew laughed again. "Just lay
off the crack, ok?"
I laughed back. "Hey, you shouldn’t sell it to me then.
God, you make enough selling it to the rest of the students and the grade
school!"
"Well, I AM the Crack King, after all!" He stood up and
attempted a regal pose. "Bow down before me, beotch!"
I stood up and then
genuflected before him. Wow, are we nuts or what? Falling to the ground
laughing, we just laid there and enjoyed each other’s company. This was one of
the greatest times in my young life that I could possibly think of.
"Oh,
shit, dude, I gotta go!" Drew suddenly jumped up. "I’m going to miss the bus,
and if I’m late, Dad will be hella pissed!"
"Aww, dude, do you have to?"
I asked, pleadingly. I didn’t want this to end. "Can’t you, like, call him and
tell him you’re staying with a friend for a little while?"
"No, he hates
to have stuff dropped on him. Maybe if I had told him beforehand, but..." He
trailed off.
"Damn it. Ok, well I’ll see you in class tomorrow,
right?"
"Guaran-damn-teed."
He waved goodbye and I laid back
against the tree to watch him depart. OK, you got me, I wanted to check out his
ass again. I can’t help it! It’s so cute, his delicate hips, the way it wiggles
slightly as he walks. Oh Lord, how long before I start lisping and flopping my
wrist around? Hehehehe...
To be continued...
Author's Email: jalaki@hotmail.com
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