On The Outside (Looking In) - Part
What the hell is this? We have a project
already and itís only like the second week of school? Our biology teacher must
be smoking something...I giggled to myself, remembering Drewís joke about being
the "Crack King." Oh well, at least we get to choose our own partners...like
that will be a tough choice!
I slid down in my desk, glancing to the seat
next to me, which was empty, of course. I swear, if Drew ever shows up on time I
think Iíll have to check the temperature in hell! Sure enough, about five
minutes later he walked in the door. As he sat next to me, I whispered, "Hey, we
have to do projects with partners. You in?"
"Wouldnít have it any other
way," he smiled at me. "You going to meet me for lunch again?"
gone to lunch in the park almost every day since that first time, and it was
always just the two of us. It was pure heaven. We poured our hearts and souls
out to each other then; there were barely any secrets between us now. He still
didnít know about me, of course; that was one thing that would probably never
"Of course I will, unless you want to join us in the cafeteria?"
I still hadnít gotten him to meet my friends yet. He truly did seem to be a
"Umm, maybe next time." He shrugged it off.
We spent the
rest of the class in near silence, only occasionally whispering back and forth
to make a crack about the teacher or some joke about todayís lesson. I couldnít
help but make little glances towards him every so often; he was just too
irresistible. Iím probably going to give something away doing this all the time
but I canít help it!
Eventually the bell rang and class ended. We split
up until lunchtime, promising to meet by the back gate as always. Lunch was
spent in the same way as always; weíd eat our food quickly so we could have more
time to talk and just enjoy being around each other. Sometimes we made it back
to class, sometimes we didnít. School just didnít seem as important when I was
with Drew. Hell, nothing seemed as important. It was like the whole word just
stopped just for the two of us. It was pure ecstasy. And it broke my heart every
time, because I knew that I would never be able to have what I wanted. And I
wanted Drew. Oh God, how I wanted him. To hold him in my arms and never let go;
to feel our hearts beating in unison as I kissed his sweet red
Finally we stood up; looks like weíd make it back this time. As we
walked back towards the school, I remembered the biology project we had been
assigned. "Hey, Drew, yíknow that biology project? Want to get together this
weekend and get a head start on it?"
"Hey, sounds like a plan. Give me a
call tonight and weíll work it out, okay?"
"Alrighty, Iíll talk to you
then." We split up to head to our own classes. I only had biology with him,
which really sucked. Oh well, Iíll just have to enjoy what little bit I have
I called Drew that night and we set up plans for him to come
over Saturday afternoon so we could work on the project. We talked on the phone
for hours, and I loved every second of it. Finally my mom had to literally force
me to hang up or we probably would have kept on all night. It wasnít until the
receiver clicked into place that I realized...I was going to have the boy of my
dreams in my house. IN MY HOUSE! Oh great, as if being alone with him in the
park wasnít bad enough, at least that place was still somewhat
public...Wait, what am I thinking? My parents will still be here to keep me in
check...Man, that was close.
I collapsed on my bed. Jeez, it was 10:30
already. It seemed like I had called Drew only a few minutes ago. Ok, I admit
it, Iím addicted. How could I NOT be? Just look at him...those beautiful brown
eyes, those kissable red lips, that cute little nose, his curly brown hair that
was always in a constant state of disarray...and besides being physically
appealing, his personality was just plain awesome. He was funny and charming and
sweet, and we clicked like I had never clicked with anyone before. Sure, I had
had other friends before Drew but they all seemed to pale in comparison with
him. It was like he was just too good to be true...and in a way, he was. I mean,
hell, thereís no way he could ever feel the same way about me as I feel about
him. I mean, hell, he made that joke that first day I met him about being gay,
only a guy who was really straight and really secure about himself could do
I turned onto my stomach, as a few tears started to leak from my
eyes. Oh God, how I just wish he could be here with me, that I could fall asleep
with him in my arms. That I could kiss his lips, tenderly, and tell him how much
I love him. It wasnít fair! Why did I have to be this way! Why does he have to
be that way! It just isnít FAIR!!!
The tears were coming much
faster now. I could barely stand this, the loneliness and the heartache.
Continuing to sob quietly, I fell asleep clutching my pillow tightly.
"Oh, Drew, ohhh, please..." I moaned out loud as he continued to grind into
He smiled back at me and leaned forward to kiss me. Our
lips met, and mine parted slightly to let his tongue enter my mouth. His
grinding became faster, harder. Oh GOD this felt great!
I moaned slightly
as we continued to kiss, our tongues dancing around each other, and I began
grinding back into him. My hands drifted down to encircle his delicate hips,
before grasping the firm globes of his ass. I squeezed them gently, and felt him
shudder slightly at my touch. We were both getting close, I could feel it in
He broke the contact of our lips for a brief moment, just to whisper
the words, "I love you, Ethan," softly into my ear.
The incessant beeping
of the alarm clock startled me awake. DAMN IT! When I said that I was grateful
for this thing before, I didnít mean it! Suddenly noticing the wetness in my
boxers, I realized that I just had ANOTHER wet dream about Drew. OK, Ethan, this
is going just a little too far I think.
Oh well. It was Thursday today,
only two days until Drew was coming over. I know, this is just for a biology
project but still, I couldnít help but feel completely nervous and completely
excited over the prospect. I hopped out of bed and went for a quick shower
before returning to my room to get dressed. I couldnít help but feel excited,
even this early. Damn, when did I become a morning person?
Classes were boring as hell again today, with the exception of biology, of
course. Drew just made everything seem better. We kept up our usual ritual of
amusing ourselves at the expense of the teacher and the lesson she was trying to
teach. Finally class ended, and I told Drew to call me when he got home, just to
The rest of the day was its usual boring self, and I tried to let
it slide through as quickly as possible, but my excitement for Saturday kept
everything at a near-standstill. How bad was this going to be
Eventually the clock got around to deciding that 3:30 had come,
and the bell rang for us to get the heck out of there. I grabbed my stuff from
my locker and walked outside, enjoying the fresh air. It was a really nice day
out today. I had just begun to unlock the padlock on my bike when I realized
that I forgot to take my Spanish book home for the assignment we had been given.
I raced back inside the school, skidding to a halt in front of my locker. I
threw the textbook in my bag and began to run back outside, when something
It sounded like someone singing. Whoever this was, they had
an awesome voice. It seemed to be coming from one of the nearby music rooms.
Cautiously, I approached the room from where the sound was coming. I could now
make out the words...
"Iím on the outside, Iím looking in...
see through you, see your true colors,
Ďcause inside youíre ugly, youíre ugly
I can see through you, see to the real you..."
this song, "Outside", by one of my favorite groups, StainD. But who was singing
it? I slowly opened the door, being extremely careful not to make a sound. I
peeked my head into the room. It was Drew!
His eyes were closed, and he
sat on a stool, a guitar held lightly in one hand while the other strummed the
strings. His hands seemed to move effortlessly from one chord to another. He
hadnít noticed that someone else was present, but continued to
"All the times that I cried, all this wasted, itís all
And I feel...all this pain...stuffed it down, itís back again,
I lie...here in bed, all alone...I canít mend,
And I feel...tomorrow will be
ok...oh, no no..."
His voice was filled with emotion, like he felt
the pain he was singing about. It was real for him. As he began the final chorus
I added my voice too.
"Iím on the outside, Iím looking in...
see through you, I see the real you...
Inside, youíre ugly, ugly like
I can see through you, see to the real you..."
Our voices faded
away to nothing and as the last note died, he opened his eyes. "Wow, you have a
really great voice, Ethan."
"Me? What are you talking about? Drew, dude,
why the hell do you not like, have a CD out or something?!" I couldnít believe
how awesome he was! His voice might not have been as deep as Aaron Lewisí but he
still had this power in it, you had to hear it to really understand.
blushed and shook his head. "No, Iím not that good. And I donít think Iíd really
like that life anyways. Always in the public eye, always expected to have the
next great hit. I just donít think that sounds very fun."
I guess he had
a point there. Not about his ability, but about that kind of life. But damn it!
Why couldnít he see how great a singer he is! I continued to try to tell him so,
but he kept shrugging it off.
"Drew, you never told me you were a StainD
fan." I loved that band. They had a lot of really good stuff.
not too much of one, I suppose. I havenít heard very many of their songs, but I
really love that one. It kinda has a special meaning for me, I really identify
with it." He replied.
"Oh yeah? How is that?" I asked. I was really
He seemed to pause for a moment, as if trying to decide if he
should tell me or not, or maybe trying to figure out how to say it. "Well, the
song, as it says, being on the outside. I guess Iíve always felt that way, like
I was stuck on the outside, looking in. Iíve never been popular, it was always
like there was something wrong with me." Sighing, he started to pack away his
"I donít understand that man, youíre one of the coolest people I
know." That was a lie, he was THE coolest person I knew. "I donít understand why
you donít have more friends."
He looked up at me, a single tear forming
in his eye. "You wouldnít understand, Ethan, just trust me on this." He picked
up his guitar case and turned towards the door. Shaking it off, he said, "What
are you still doing here? I thought youíd be long gone by now."
change of subject, Drew. But I decided to let it slide. "I was just getting a
book I forgot. But I could ask the same of you. When did you start singing?
Really dude youíre awesome."
He blushed again. "Stop it, Ethan. Youíre
going to have me believing you soon. But I come here every once in a while to
practice and just let some stuff out, you know."
"Thatís cool. How long
have you played the guitar?"
"Oh, a few years. Not enough to play like,
Lynyrd Skynyrdís "Freebird" by memory, but enough to play some more-simpler
things. I like being able to learn some of my favorite songs, thatís about all
Iím looking for with it." At the door, he turned back to me. "But itís getting
late, I need to get home. Iíll see you tomorrow in class." And with that, he
Wow. Cute, a great voice, and musical talent. I think Iím falling
more and more in love with him...Get a grip, Ethan! This is exactly why I tried
so hard not to ever have feelings for another guy. Iíll never be able to do
anything about them. All I can do is go through this endless torture, being able
to be with Drew but not to be with him. But what sweet torture it
To be continued...
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