On The Outside (Looking In) - Part One
Prologue: This begins the next day after Ethan's little "try to
masturbate to str8 porn" episode, and picks up from there...What if Drew
wasn't out and what if Ethan could grow some balls?
from last night lingered throughout my sleep. My dreams were shattered fragments
that woke me often. I couldn't remember any of them with any clarity except for
one. I was at school. The halls were cold, dark, and lonely. I ran throughout
the school, trying to find someone, anyone. I could hear students talking,
laughing ahead of me, just around the next corner, but every time I turned that
corner, there was no one.
Finally I came to a classroom, the only one
that seemed to be populated. I fumbled for the door handle, out of breath, but
it wouldn't turn. I peered in the window; I could see the teacher pointing to
something on the blackboard. The students were laughing, and soon one of them
noticed me. I continued to try to force open the door but it would not budge.
They were all watching me now, laughing at my futile attempt to enter, and
occasionally pointing at the board and then back at me. I tried to see what was
written there; the teacher stepped back and I stopped dead in
Ethan is a fag.
Written in large letters, they were
the only thing present on the board. The students continued to laugh, mockingly,
taunting me. They were all inside the classroom, and I was stuck, on the
The incessant beeping of the alarm clock startled me from my fitful
slumber. I think that's the first, and only, time a teenager has been
thankful for that device. That dream left me feeling dead inside. What if
they did know? I don't think I've ever acted "gay" at school, or
anywhere. But something about that dream just shook me.
What the hell was
I going to do now? I couldn't even face my parents last night; how could I ever
face my friends at school again? There has to be some way out of this. Something
I can do to make me not gay.
I got out of bed, and went to the bathroom.
After relieving myself, I stared in the mirror for what seemed hours. Did I look
gay? Was there something there now, now that I admitted it? Did I have the word
"QUEER" stamped in big red letters across my forehead? I decided that as far as
I could tell, there didn't seem to be any change. Maybe they won't have any
idea. I knew that was a lie, though; it could only be a matter of time before
someone said, "Hey, Ethan's been acting queer lately. Let's go kill that fag."
And that will be the end of it.
A single tear leaked out of my eye and
ran down my cheek. God, if nothing else, I'll start crying like a baby and that
will be the sign they need. Wiping it away, I turned from the mirror and went
back to my bedroom. Dressing quickly, I hoped that everything would be ok. I'll
have to try to control myself as much as possible. Don't look at another guy,
don't tell anyone about it, and CERTAINLY don't ever have sex with anyone! God,
I don't need to give in to it, too!
I arrived at school, throwing my
stuff in my locker and slamming it shut. I waved at a few people I knew, some of
my guy friends...oh God I'm not looking queer already, am I? I headed off to my
first class, afraid to make eye contact with anyone.
You ever hear of
this damn thing called "The Name Game"? It's the most idiotic, frustrating,
ridiculous part of the first day of any class. I think the teachers only do it
so they can get out of teaching us anything on the first day. I guess I can
agree with that but really, there has got to be SOMETHING else we can do! And
what's worse, every single class decided to do this. English, Spanish, Geometry,
and as soon as the teacher finished roll call in Biology, it came up
I turned around to face the kid who I would be interviewing. Maybe
I'll make up some bullshit story about how I was raised by wolves in the forest
or something. I think I'd make up a new life for every class, just to try to
relieve some of this stupidity. Huh, relieve stupidity with more
stupidity...how's the logic in that?
The boy across from me looked maybe
a little bit younger than me. He had really delicate features; big brown eyes
and these pouty, red lips that looked like they might have covered braces at
some time. His curly brown hair seemed to form a big mess yet still look clean,
like this kind of controlled chaos. He was really cute, actually. Oh wait, I
didn't just think that, did I? Keep your head in control Ethan...both of
"Hey.." I managed to spit out. I really didnít look forward to
another of these stupid encounters. I pulled out my notebook and got ready for
"Hey," he returned, somewhat nervously. After a few
seconds he added, "I hate these things. At least I got out of it in gym." His
voice was really sexy, it was a bit hazy but at this awesome teenaged pitch.
Wait, not sexy...um, interesting.
"Yeah. Me too. Why do they force us to
do this anyway? Are they afraid we're going to not know who to cheat off of when
the first exam comes our way?"
He giggled at that statement. "Yeah, this
public-relations stuff sucks. But itís only for one day I suppose. I just hate
thinking weíll have to do it again next year."
"Yeah," I agreed. The
teacher came around to pass out the question sheets and we started right on it.
"Drew. And you?"
"Ethan. Do you live in town?" What
the hell are these questions?
"No actually. I kinda live on the
outskirts. I take the bus home everyday. Same question..."
Actually I ride my bike back and forth every day. I'm only like ten minutes
"That's gotta be cool. You can go home whenever you want then,
huh?" He asked.
"I wish! It's not quite that easy. My mom works nights,
so she doesn't leave the house until about 2 in the afternoon and since we get
out at 3:30...there's really no point to sneaking home then."
next, what do you want to study when you graduate?" He asked, pen ready to
"I was thinking of dropping out senior year and joining the
circus." I stated matter-of-factly. He stared at me, eyes seeming to boggle out
of his head. He actually thought I was serious! "Iím kidding, dude. Actually I
want to study film. I love movies, I canít get enough of them, even the bad
"Me too! I would love to be able to produce or direct my own
stuff. I couldn't do any worse than some of these Hollywood types these
"I hear you there. Did you see that movie ĎBattlefield: Earthí?
What the HELL was that? And they made it look so cool from the
"Yeah, what the hell was Travolta thinking when he decided to
direct and star in that!" We both laughed, and had to fight to stay
We continued on down the sheet, asking questions here and there,
making jokes about one thing or another. I was actually enjoying this for once.
Here was someone I get along with great, and heís cute as hell, too! Damnit,
Ethan! Control! We just discussed this this morning, no guys, ever!
as hard as I tried I couldnít resist him. He was just so damn cheerful, and he
had the cutest laugh, like when youíre tickling a small child. His eyes were so
expressive, like you could read what he was going to say in them before he said
Finally we got down to the last question. "So, what is one thing that
not many people know about you?" Drew asked, a wicked smile upon his face. Damn
he looked cute. ETHAN!
"Hehehehe! Um...well...I like to do chalk drawings
at home. It's sort of a hobby of mine. I've got them hanging up all over the
house, I love 'em. It kinda soothes me in a way, you know?"
really cool. I wish I could draw. Iíve been trying to teach myself forever but I
canít just get it right."
"Nah, it's not so hard when you think about it.
Say, if you want, maybe you could come over and see my stuff
"Um...wow...ok. That'd be awesome." He looked grateful
somehow. I think Drew would make a really great friend. And...ok fuck it, I have
to say this, he is REALLY, REALLY DAMN CUTE!!! Ok, back to business
"Ok, your turn. What little secret do you have?"
He looked like a deer caught in headlights. "Um...well, how about this. Iím
I looked at him for a second. Did he just say the g-word? After I
moment I saw the joke and started laughing. "Good one, Drew. I join the circus,
youíre gay. Seriously, what is your secret?"
He seemed confused for a
moment but then laughed himself. "Umm, how about, I build models." He
"I guess that works. Weíre out of time, too, good thing we
finished." I turned my desk back around to face the front. The teacher began
calling students up to read their questions out loud. As an afterthought, I
turned back around to Drew. "Hey, what are you doing after school? Want to hang
out or something?"
"Umm, sorry, I canít. I have to take the bus back home
and Dad will be really pissed if Iím late."
"Well, that really sucks.
Could-" I was cut off by the teacher, who called us up to read our answers. As I
was rereading what I had written down. I returned to that last question, when
Drew answered that he was gay. He was just joking, right? I mean, what if he
really WAS queer? What if he tried to get me to join him? Maybe I should be more
careful about him.
We sat back down and the rest of the class continued.
I never returned to what I had been saying. Drew didnít seem to want to bring it
up either and we spent the rest of the class in silence. As soon as the bell
rang, he grabbed his things and, carrying them in front of him, bolted from the
classroom. He didnít run, but it was the fastest walk I had ever
After school, I spent the rest of the day thinking about him. I
could not get him out of my mind. His cute little smile, the cute way he
laughed, the cute way he would brush his hair away from his cute face when it
fell forward. And his name was really cute, too. God, how many times did I just
say Ďcuteí right there? Ok, Ethan, admit it. Youíve got a crush on this boy.
Fine. Alright, we can deal. Just canít take it to any more than that.
Well, there you go. To be continued...
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